Fatigue

 

As of late last month, I have turned another year.older in my life. I've reflected on the many losses that have come with the passage of time. As expected, the older one gets, the more relationships end. Of course, change happens. 

What hurts the most beyond personal losses are the changes in the nation. Had I not become aware of the past, before I was born (the period around World War II,) I would have thought the current upheaval reflects somewhat the 1960s historical events of my childhood. As I approached my teens, I became a flower child, watching as the country I grew up in seemed to becoming apart. That's what I saw on the news but it was in smaller doses than today. 

People are constantly angry and the media which has grown so much more (despite the falling of print media) in terms of amplifying every instance in the daily lives of world citizens has made this a much more anxious time for me than I recall in my childhood amid a massive war (Vietnam) several assassinations or assassination attempts, protests, and other forms of brutal actions. I'd hoped in more recent years, there would be a "fever break" but that doesn't appear to be happening. I am so saddened by what has become a divided nation, more than I ever recall in my lifetime. I truly am a peace seeker in a chaotic world. And I'm tired.

  

Reflections on getting older

 It is incredible how time has sped on. Today begins another Spring, the season of my birth and I have lived through so many historical and personal events. At the end of this month, I will reach another birthday.

Since I last wrote an entry here, there are some events that have happened. The primary major event has been a pandemic which circled the globe and still is not totally gone, despite the way many are viewing it. It helped that vaccines were created to lessen the death toll, but it hasn't helped many who do not trust vaccines which may not keep them entirely free of the coronavirus, but it has lessened the impact of the disease on many who have developed the symptoms. I never thought I would see such resistance to medical aid, but then a lot has occurred I didn't think I'd see. 

I grew up in a tumultuous age, the 1960s. I think the 2020s is in many ways worse. There is so much division, distrust, and hatred that it hurts my heart. I have reduced watching the news because I just can't deal with the way of the world currently. 

Since my last post, people I knew have died. Not from the coronavirus but other health and age related difficulties. It's also made me look back at friendships I lost and had to face the "for a season" view of friendship that I resisted. I always hoped for long term friendships especially in adulthood  but now, I find it is unlikely to occur for more than a few years. Perhaps some would see that as "long term."

I am grieving the loss of a friend who died in an accident in 1972, having kept that sorrow tamped down until it surfaced due to recent reflection. At the time, they were 18 and we had reconnected shortly before we were to go to separate colleges. Then I got the news that they died. I had wondered why I had not heard from them for a while. It hit me like a gut punch. Not my first experience with loss through death, but still not expected. I thought we had a relationship that would grow. But it was not to be. "A Song for Adam" by musician Jackson Browne touched my heart. It is a song I have long been familiar with but it took on a greater meaning as I thought of my long deceased friend. 

I moved in and out of  various spiritual practices, and nearly three years ago became an Associate with the Community of St. Mary, an Episcopal  monastic group based in Sewanee, TN, one of my favorite places to live in my childhood. I hope sometime this year to visit there again. The last time was pre-pandemic.

So as this part of the world faces a new season, I hope to get more discipline and blog more frequently. I doubt many will read my ramblings but who knows?

Life speeds on...

 No promises this time but I’m hoping to be more disciplined in my blog posts. The last few years have really been chaotic. 

Forging Ahead: Stressing over an academic course

Last post I mentioned I was taking an online course for the first time in a while. Since it is an undergrad course which I decided not to enroll in for credit, I thought I wouldn't be stressed. Guess what? I am. Maybe it's graduate school flashbacks or just being my own worst critic. The course I'm taking is an undergraduate Junior level English class and you'd think it would be relatively easy. However, this is not the type of course I'd taken in the past. I have taken courses online but even newer technology is currently my nemesis.  There's a "joke" between my professor and me (at least that's what I think it is) that I'm stressing over nothing, as I'm not seeking a grade or credit for this class. Still, I'm attempting to master things like transforming a typed paper into a pdf file and submit it to the professor miles away. I knew this was going to be a challenge

I just finished my first written assignment which is similar to the research papers I'd done in many classes in the past. The biggest difference being that I had to take the written document, change it into a pdf file and submit it. I had to smile when I saw a posted note by the professor about not slipping a paper under his door on campus to meet a deadline (which is tomorrow.) I thought I'd done the submission part correctly, because I did get my document transformed into a pdf file, but when it arrived to the professor's computer, he sent me a message that it was in the wrong format. Yikes. So I've resubmitted it. I hope this time it is successful.. I've had to resubmit my paper/pdf file and I'm still not sure as I write this that I got it to him in the correct format. I was told he received it, but it did end up in the wrong format and I was asked to resubmit it. So, I await feedback from him. The deadline for submitting the file is tomorrow at around midnight. 

I'm adjusting to a lot of technology that I haven't encountered before but determined to master it. This is  taking a  toll on me despite two things: 1) I'm not taking the course for credit 2) therefore, I'm not getting a grade. I'm happy about that on both counts because while I have taken online courses before, and at least one was graded, this one is stressing me! I joked (or I think I was joking!) with the professor that I feel like I'm back in graduate school. He's been helpful, but it is hard to not put stress on myself due to my past academic experiences.

Meanwhile, I'm on to the next assignment: reading a text of Christopher Marlowe's play, Edward II. Then it's to be followed by viewing a specific version of that play. I'd really forgotten how demanding some academic coursework can be, or maybe it's just, as I said, flashbacks.

Back to School at My Age? Why Not?

This isn't my first "older student" experience, but it's definitely been the most confusing and frustrating.
I'm currently enrolled in an English class taken entirely online. It's not the first online class I've taken, but I didn't expect it to be as confusing or as challenging as it is. I thought I had experience from taking several courses in various subjects like Theology online. That was pretty daunting in itself. When I came across a quote by  C.S.Lewis, (see inset) I was thinking, "Let's do this!" and forged ahead.
But technology just keeps changing, or I just keep aging or both and I've been battling to conquer this challenge to my brain cells. I'm determined to get through this!
The upside is that as a qualifying "Senior Citizen" taking the class through the English department of one of my alma maters, I get a tuition reduction. A three credit hour course (or non-credit as I am taking it with that added status) is over a thousand dollars! That discount as a Senior Citizen helped, but it's still pricey (around $225.) That's just the tuition. I'm old enough to remember when full-time students taking twelve credit hours paid about $165 in tuition costs (It was the early 1970s and I was attending the same university where I'm taking a course now.)
Then there are the book costs!
Again, while it's another cost, I learned years ago as a grad student in English in the early 1990s there are ways around the cost university bookstores make the students pay. English related books can be obtained from various sources, discounted bookstores, for example, or even your local library. I wasn't as lucky in obtaining my second grad degree in another field. Those texts weren't available at your area bookstore. It was before textbooks and certain big bookstores made a pact to sell the texts. Additionally, the new option is renting your text from the university's bookstore.
While I'm taking the course entirely online from a university about thirty miles away, I don't have to worry about parking as I did in the past. Another two points for "online learning." Changes have occurred to the physical layout of the campus I last hiked across for classes in the 1990s as an older student (though not the Senior Citizen status.) and I had more energy then. So I'm glad I don't have to compete with students parking and trudge across campus. At least not yet.
Reading posted comments made by my younger classmates about their readings of class material is interesting in the perspectives they share, as well as seeing their skills in navigating what sometimes seems a labyrinth of technology I have yet to conquer completely.
Now, pardon me while I go back to reading and research for the class.

Here I go again...

 I've returned again after noticing my last entry (not counting my two posts in August.) I think I discovered I'd abandoned my blog sometime in 2011. But actually found another I had started in 2009. I've been unable to transfer it to attach to the blog name I've kept since I started this time. Confused yet? Well, welcome to my world.
Besides my attempts at resurrecting my blog, I've also been encountering technical issues. Additionally, checking blogs I had followed only to discover that like mine, they appear to have been abandoned. So at least I'm not alone in my "life getting in the way" words.
One blog I do follow with regular interest is "A Word's Worth" written by Diane Moore (http://revmoore.blogspot.com) a gifted writer. I recommend her writings and observations if you haven't seen her blog. She's far more "disciplined" as a blogger than I've been. I'm hoping that this new attempt on my part will be more successful.
I'm attempting to figure out how often I will put an entry online. That's one of the discipline factors I've admired of Diane's blog posts. Hoping I can get a similar routine established.
I've just begun participating in an online course taught by a professor at my alma mater. More on that later. I'll only say that returning to school this time, at least I get a tuition discount for being a student of a "certain age" and not taking the course for credit.

Trying again....Still fighting "technical difficulties". HELP!

I started blogging around 2009 and due to format changes as well as everyday life issues getting in the way, I have had lapses in maintaining my blog. I've been able to keep the same name for it, (which now seems more appropriate as a title than it did back in 2009.) However, it still applies to my life AND a sign of the current state of the world which seems more chaotic than it did back in 2009.

As I start out on this writing journey again, I'm having difficulties getting my earlier posts to merge with my current ones. I've tried following various online suggestions but have been unsuccessful. I'm thinking perhaps the time gaps between my blog posts have caused retrieval to not work. I'd like to get these sorted out. If anyone wants to offer advice, I'd welcome it.